Editor’s note: Answering The Purcell Register’s five questions this week is Santa Claus.
Q: Are you real?
A: Ho! Ho! Ho! Of course I am real. Why would you even ask such a question? Ho! Ho! Ho!
Q: How can you visit every home in the world in a single night?
A: It’s complicated. Ho! Ho! Ho! I’m not at liberty to go into specifics, but I can share that I travel through strategically placed worm holes in the fabric of time and space. This in effect freezes time as you know it. Like I said, it is complicated. Plus, my reindeer are very fast. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Q: About those reindeer, how do they fly?
A: Ah, I wondered when you would get around to asking me that! Ho! Ho! Ho! I feed them a good diet – the very finest grain ration and free choice premium hay. Those aren’t easy to come by at the North Pole, you know. They are experienced reindeer and they know their job.
Q: How many elves work at the North Pole?
A: Enough. That’s it. There are precisely enough elves to do all that needs doing in the time allotted. It’s strictly a matter of logistics and utilizing every elf to the fullest extent. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Q: You have been portrayed in many genre. Which portrayal is the most accurate and/or your favorite?
A: Ho! Ho! Ho! Well, I do have a fondness for “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.” Of course, I’ve also been the subject of many films. Great films. But my favorite and the most accurate? I have to go with “Miracle on 34th Street” – both the original and the remake. Now I must be gone, but not until I wish your readers the Merriest Christmas Ever! See you in 24 days! Ho! Ho! Ho!
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